how did I end up here?
Updated: Feb 15, 2018
The other day I was in the pouring rain at a farm two hours north of Sydney watching pigs literally roll in mud and I though "how strange is life?" Dave and I often laugh that there is absolutely no way we could have guessed this is where each of us would be six, two or even one year ago. Transient by nature, I don't mind a bit of surprise and change but it's safe to say the last five years have been absolutely unpredictable.
the passage of change
Recently, a wonderful friend of mine super-sum'd six-years of her life into an open-hearted Facebook post. I hadn't reached the third line when I started crying. She wasn't looking for affirmation or pity (although I'm sure condolences helped) she was just ending an era and moving on to the next one. I cried because I was sad for her sadness, but also because I felt it in myself. I cried because, not all of us really end up where we planned to, do we? That's not necessessarily a bad thing, definitely not in my case, but it is emotionally taxing.
I think we too-quickly brush under the rug the emotional toll of lost dreams.
I mourned my marriage. I left by choice, whole-heartedly with no regrets but I still mourned it
I regret not travelling more when I was young and had disposable income (you can have your avocado toast but travel is worth the money)
I regret time wasted on social media stalking people's instagrams I've never met until I fall into an hour-long Instagram hole of regret and hating myself
I regret not pushing harder in work projects I cared about
I regret not starting yoga before it was cool - it would have saved me years of anxiety and chubbiness
I regret my hair cut in year ten
I reget not taking more chances!
I regret not enjoying my holidays with my parents in my teens. Now I'd love a free holiday. If a parent of a teen is reading and they don't want to go with you because of Steve or whoever they're dating atm I'll DEFINITELY take their spot. If you're a teen reading this GO ON THE HOLIDAY PLEASE FOR ME.
We are very hard on ourselves to be better, to cry less, to be strong and not crack but all we are going is a disservice to ourselves and our poor little hearts. The loss of anything is difficult. A marriage, a house, a job, a dream unfulfilled, ten years of your life. Just because everyone else is doing it doesn't mean yours is any less special.
you're not done yet
YAY - you're not, I promise.
The trap with mourning the past, whether it be lost opportunity or even lost 20-year-old metabolism is that we do sometimes forget we are currently making our future. A friend asked me recently if I was scared about turning 35 this year. Absolutely not. I love my life, I love my blessings and I like me most of the time. The only thing I fear is lost opportunity and regret. To wake up in ten more years and think "There are still so many things I haven't done".
No age is an age where you are done yet - sorry. You can't just check out at 40 and decide that's life for you. Get back in your jumpsuit, head down to the Ivanhoe and lets do this OKAY?
Things you should never regret:
Don't throw the baby out with the bathwater. My boyfriend says this to me all the time so now you're gonna have to hear about it too. Just because you were one way, doesn't mean you have to be any longer. Don't damn it all just because of some shitty parts. Start again, and start it right. Don't give up on your whole life over a segment of it.
Love. It may suck now, and for a while, but don't regret love.
Chasing your dreams. I am this idiot. So afraid to fail you don't try? You'll never regret trying as much as you regretted not-trying, no matter the outcome.
Smiling. Even when you don't want to and everything is as messy as the FRIENDS episode where they learn Monica has a cluttered cupboard.
Taking time for yourself. Self-loving is not self-centred.
Trying new things! Do all the new things ever all the time. You won't get to later.
LAUGH AT YOURSELF. Always.
Having dreams and desires is not the same as having direction. Just because your life doesn't go the way you desired, doesn't mean it doesn't have direction. 16-year-old me desired to produce indi films from a loft apartment in NYC with my muso boyfriend drinking Diet Coke and collecting skate decks but that definitely is not what happened. I'm equally as broke though, so, little wins.
You already know of my obsession with my son and his amazingness. I can't ever regret any part of my life that got me to a place where he is mine and I wake up to him every day. I also have a wonderful boyfriend but I'm not gonna get gushy because it makes me awkward. I have sadness and pain for things that happened, that never happened or didn't work out the way I wanted, but I don't regret living them. I know it's cliche to say "it all got me to here" but cliches are so for a reason.
It's okay to be sad about letting something go, whether you want to or not.
The key is not to live in that sadness, to dwell in it. You need to look at it for all that it is, appreciate it and then put it in a little box and come back to the now.
I've had some absolutely terrible times. Some very low-lows as I'm sure a lot of you have. However, living in those times and those memories brought me no happiness and didn't serve me (or Archie) at all. So I had to learn to grieve them and move on with the now. Or write a blog so you can tell everyone about it on the internet instead, ha.
Set yourself goals and new dreams, plan to have the future you want now, not the future you wanted ten, twenty years ago when you started dreaming. It's incredible what you are capable of and you can not even imagine the love of your life/dream career/future child/professional wrestling future that awaits you x