Can we all just agree on something here? When we all come slowly crawling out from underneath our blankets, disrobing from our Big W matching tracksuit sets and wiping the sourdough crumbs from our newly-fattened fingers like we were dusting for evidence; can we promise to all be cool about the weight gain?
Disclaimer: I am not against weight gain at ANY time and there is never a time for fat-shaming. But I don't want to see a list of who 'actually lost weight in lockdown with these five exercises'. I don't want to know 'who is looking fab after only weeks back at the gym' and I surely do not need 'only 200 days to summer!' posts. Let's all just accept that this was like one big episode of MKR and we had to try everything possibly available to us to get through and no one ask how this is allowed on our dairy-free, carb-free diets and no one ask how we are possibly going to lose this weight ever again. Just be cool and ignore it until we all get back to our usual size in six to eight years time.
The apps.
Okay, I have a serious score to settle with food companies: stop messaging me deals when you know I'm at my lowest. Lowest = a homeschooling mum working from home at 5pm. I KNOW I am your target market but surely there's a duty of care here or something? Dominoes, I'm looking at you. I don't want anymore 2 for 1s because I have literally become a 2for1. I don't want any more Uber Eats coupons because the dude knows me now, and he knows the Menulog guy THROUGH ME. They are mutual friends on Facebook and I'm not saying I'm angry, they will be great party guests post-Corona, but it's starting to draw alarming looks from my neighbours. The government could have saved themself some serious dough by just axing the JobKeeper bonus and making it rain Uber vouchers from the sky.
Supermarkets.
These guys and their dirty, underhanded tactics like having an aisle for confectionary AND hiding confectionary other places. Sure, there are confectionary-free checkouts but who cares because be the time you get to them you've passed 76 hundred Easter Eggs for ONE DOLLAR crying to you from the shelves. "They'll be off by Easter! They go that white colour inside! WON'T SOMEBODY THINK OF THE CHOCOLATE?!" Do you know what's in the toilet paper aisle? EASTER EGGS. I don't think there was even panic buying - I think they hid the paper out the back so they could ram more chocolate into the store.
Home-schooling.
I know its not technically homeschooling, it's remote learning but let me ask you something of more importance... HOW ARE TEACHERS NOT ALL DIABETICS WITH DRINKING PROBLEMS? Children are really hard to teach, and I had no idea. I assumed it would be all cute like Mary Poppins but instead, it's all terrible like Lord of the Flies. When I am working my diet goes smoothie, tea, healthy shit, water, healthy shit, water, healthy shit, no dessert, tea. When I'm overseeing homeschool plus toddler who can WALK NOW plus business plus husband's business ( shameless plug for our plant store) my diet suddenly goes whatever we had last night, coffee, some carb with carbs on it, maybe water so I don't die, cheese? sure, carbs galore, wine, tea, dessert/dessert wine. I am in the house for SO MANY HOURS now. I feel like the cast of Big Brother on the daily but the tasks are set by over-emotional minions with volume control issues and NO ONE is ever the winner and they change all the rules constantly.
Multiple Meals.
Breakfast, morning tea, lunch, afternoon tea, dinner; by the time I clean my kitchen from each of those it's time to start the next one already. So maybe I'll just eat the pasta I made Archie... Pasta is a sometimes food and lunch happens sometimes? Maybe I'll eat the sandwich Charlie didn't want. Sure it has floor crumbs on it but I can't waste it - right? Bread is a sometimes food but this is a once-off so all good. I can't be bothered making a smoothie, I'll just reheat this old food full of carbs and sugar etc. It's not every breakfast.
Gyms.
THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT. I didn't sign up to you, not go to you for six months, feel guilty and start going to you intermittently only for you to close all around me when I maybe probably was thinking about possibly going more often. You took my $46 a fortnight fair and
square when it didn't default and I thought we had an understanding: you would be there for me now that I'm newly post-natal! (Okay.. one year postnatal but that's for the next point.) Gyms not being open should really not hinder your workout plans too much, as its 2020 and we have the internet and Kmart sells weights. But, alas, for people like me it allows for a beautiful excuse to become the lazy, writer slob we always knew we were inside. People like me who go for a 'walk' to claim their daily exercise and hastily add it to myfitnesspal after to see how many extra carbs it allows them to cram in that day. People like me who told EVERYONE WHO WOULD LISTEN how important yoga was for their mental health until the time mental health was most under threat (a pandemic) and promptly decided to just stop doing it for weeks on end.
The timing.
As expressed above, I just was not physically ready for a pandemic to begin. Charlie is almost one now and I had only just begun to get back into my pre-baby swing of things. I had a real good thing going back in 2018 with yoga and a plan and sobriety and portion control and now it seems I've forgotten that mashed potato is not a food group and rice is meant to be the small triangle. I had dreams of shedding my 16-kilo baby weight just as I did in 2015 when I was in LA and no one was there to see me BUT I HAVE PHOTOS SO I PROMISE IT HAPPENED. But, no one tells you as you get older and more stretched out it doesn't quite happen like that the second time. Okay, everyone tells you that BUT I DIDN'T LISTEN OKAY I JUST THOUGHT HAHAHA OKAY JENNY SURE NOT ME THOUGH. But it was me, though. It just would not come off me this time.
I have vowed to begin looking after my body again this week. Ah, but I ate bread at lunch so maybe tomorrow. Hm, it's Friday tomorrow so better start on Monday. Then I guess it's nearly the end of the month... Okay: I will begin looking after my body from June...... NO guys. Starting now. I will start now. But it will take a little time to pull myself out of this Corona-funk and lots of pictures of Margot Robbie on my fridge door. So next time you are planning your first out-of-iso catch-up or non-zoom get together please go gentle on each other (me). Sure some of us may look a little cuddlier 'round the edges, and I maybe had to buy new jeans last week, but I'm still the friend you know and love and I was just trying to survive.
Marni xx