My name is Marni and I'm not good at lifeing.
When I was in my teens, I really wanted to work at General Pants (I'm fucking old, sos). I wore cord pants and tied them up with shoelace belts, I ironed-on transfers of Pantera to my BONDS tees and had a skateboard with stickers of skate brands on it. Bergh. I was so try-hard it actually makes me physically ill to type this and now my OCD has required me to wash my hands brb... I'll never read that sentence again so, enjoy internet!
In the late 90's we were laying the foundations of what hipsters, I guess, would become. YOU'RE WELCOME, HIPSTERS. We invented not caring, okay. The problem is, I was a chronic over thinker with high level anxiety, OCD and self esteem issues: I was trying so hard to concentrate on seeming like I was not caring I fried my little brain.
Following this, I got to enjoy five years of PUBLIC EVENTS ON RED CARPETS. If you know the feeling of being at a party you're not really meant to be at, and you're wondering when they're gonna catch you and tell you to leave? This was my every day. I can't wear dresses, never could, I have ridiculously difficult hair, I didn't know what eyebrows were until 2014 and my body is less red carpet more "cool mum". I was a definite impostor and it felt like everyone knew it and was nailing this much better than I was.
Please see this lovely timeline:
I call this "where the hell are your eyebrows and that's not a hairstyle"
Gosh I can't even handle this. Next.
Someone let me pose like this and someone put it one the internet and that shits forever man and New Idea lovvveee this photo and print it in every story ever :/ THE INTERNET IS FOREVER.
The food at this event was amazing but I wouldn't know because I had to fit into this dress so couldn't eat. Also, did I do my make up in the dark? Likely.
Okay, no words. Whats this leg pop? Who am I, Rhianna? Just no.
This is acceptable:
I discovered hair that worked, eyebrows and I'M A GEEK AT STAR WARS IN MY ELEMENT. Case closed.
I am not cool. I'm not sure if you knew that before of I'm just letting you know now or the many terrible photos above had made it clear to you. But you know what I've found? Not many people are, really. We are all faking it, together. None of us know how to life very well. This doesn't mean we're not smart and talented and creative - I mosdef am thank you very much. But I can't do everything and I certainly don't have it all figured out. We all have times when we feel lost and alone and overwhelmed. We are human.
Here are some things I've done just in the past week:
- Eaten cheese slices as a meal
- Drunk wine on my cleanse week
- Said I was going to the gym and sat in my car on Instagram for twenty minutes
- Tried to argue at my boyfriend over nothing
- Attempted to teach my son "dusk" only to severely confuse his understanding of "ducks"
- Let him wear pjs for 3/4 of a day
- Try AGAIN like an idiot to explain "dusk" to a three-year-old for no reason but my own gratification of having a three-year-old who knows what happens at 5pm*
*Still no headway on dusk, mission terminated
When you release certain parts of your life into the world you will get criticisms. I definitely have. I've been told you shouldn't leave your husband when you have a child together, that you shouldn't disclose parts of your relationship to the world, that you can't say the word "abuse" without being told you're seeking publicity and money. That you're ugly and look like a man :-/
I'm sorry for perpetuating a lie that made others feel like my life was perfect. I'm sorry for being a part of the problem. I'm ready to be a part of the solution now.
I'm 35 this year, meaning I thankfully missed the Instagram revolution in my teens and 20s. By the time people were 'gramming things I was old enough to know how to fake it. Instagram is the best representation of every persons best side - ever. We see the ups, the selfies the wins the holidays. We don't see the shitty days, the tired days, the days your getting a divorce or the day you forgot that all your clothes have parts of toddler dinner on them.
I was so sure for so long that everyone else had everything all together, and I was the only one flailing around like Mr Bean in Roller-skates. Everyone else seemed to know what they wanted, who to marry, when to have children, what to do in the bad times. But we are all just humans failing together, learning together and getting by together.
We are often so hard on ourselves, and each other, like we know the answers and are deliberately choosing to already do the stupid thing instead. But life is HAARRDDDDD you guys.
In 2013 I was in a terrible relationship that almost killed me. Getting pregnant saved my life in many ways. Want to see what I posted at that time:
A couple of years my dad got sick, my grandma died, my auntie died , I left arelationship and I had a one-year-old. Wanna see what I put on Instagram that month:
This is all things I actually did - but definitely the glossy, pretty version of my life.
We need to stop making each other feel like they are drowning alone. I'm not perfect, I'm not cool, I stuff up and I fail and I doubt myself and I'm a human. But I'm okay with that now. And I don't want to be perfect. I like me.
Let me finish on a quote from binge-watching Younger (thank you Sophie Don) this week: Kelsey says "Kelsey Peters, WT effing eff?" Good question. I'm not qualified to run an imprint. I I wrote my speech on my hand and just sweated it off, okay? I this is a job for an adult. I I'm a kitten in a Barbie car."
THIS IS MY ALL THE TIME. Mumming, working, lifeing, filing tax returns, internet shopping, buying groceries. I keep waiting for the fuck up to happen and to have egg on my face. But, you know what follows?
Liza: "Kelsey, nobody knows what they're doing. You just fake it till you make it. And hope that when you're down, like literally on the ground, in some cases, you have people around you to help you get up." And GOSH ain't that the truth?